I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
