He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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