Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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