So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
