I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
