There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
