Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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