Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
