sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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