I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
