Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
