found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
