She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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