it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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