My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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