marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
