i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
