We're like a lot better than the average bears
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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