rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
