Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
