i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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