I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
