I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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