I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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