i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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