Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
