I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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