Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
