I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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