Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
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