If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
