1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
