dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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