You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize