I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
