listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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