I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
