shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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