I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
