Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
