I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
