I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
