At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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