Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can vaginas get frostbite?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
