so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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