He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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