my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
