the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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