guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
