I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
false alarm, still single
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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