Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
