We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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