i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
