I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
