Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
