My room smells like vodka and shame
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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