I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
