Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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