This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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