he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
