just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
